Thoughts & Quotes

life is like a series of photographs you develop from the negatives.
When you need to fly from your home, it's not a home. Home should be where the birds feelings are free not caged.
nobody likes the rain but if you want the rainbow you gotta put up with the rain.
♫ And the stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and in the clouds we miss them in the storms. ♫
To the believer anything is possible, to the sceptic everything is impossible.
"the reason angels can fly is becuase they take themselves lightly"
Stay strong- Keep smiling =] and NEVER give up- there is always hope <3
'It is not the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves' (William Shakespeare)
Stick to the fight when your hardest hit, its when things seem worse that you must not quit
it's about learning to dance in the rain
sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
we never notice the beauty around us because we are too busy trying to create it.
People say that it is holding on that makes you stronger, but sometimes it is letting go and putting yourself first.
No-one can do a better job of being you, than YOU.
Be strong now because things will get better; it may be stormy now but it can't rain forever.
This too shall pass
We have to learn to dance in the rain
Even on the darkest days sometimes we glimpse sunlight
Sometimes we need to tell our story 100 times
Faith is the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark

Paradepedency - by Lara in Argentina

 

 

Our friend from Argentina has set up a project for children of addicted parents. Here is an article she recently wrote and wanted to share with us here in the UK.

 

Addiction comes in many forms and is a common issue.  It can be to alcohol, substances, people or a certain type of behaviours or activities. For these matters, there are several prevention guidelines and treatments that deal, not only with the person who suffers, but also with their relatives (mostly parents, couples, siblings and friends).

But when the parents are the ones coping addiction problems, this can severely affect the relationship between on their children and parents. 

The child does not choose to be in a relationship with a parent who has an addiction. He is being raised by them. Children get to experience terrible situations that, for several reasons, they cannot share with anybody else. Unlike every other relationship, children are not co-dependent. They are PARADEPENDENT. 

In Argentina at our local support group we emphasise the difference with co-dependency of spouses or other adults. This is due to the fact that a child born in a family with addicted parents is truly not able to walk away. We use the term paradependency because children of addicted parents may look like, act similar to, and resemble their parental behaviour. The prefix ‘para-‘, among other meanings, implies this. Children of addicted parents resemble their parents, and may somehow act like a person with an addiction, but they are not addicted or co-dependent.

A paradependant didn’t choose to live in these circumstances. They cannot get away from their home due to age, maturity, or maybe because they aren’t capable of comprehending what’s going on in order to be able to protect themselves from greater damages. Co-dependents, on the other hand, aren’t always aware of their problem but, at some point they have the possibility of choosing to step aside of the situation. 

Children raised in a dysfunctional family with addiction, will be deeply affected in different areas of their adult lives. At times adults may see that a part of their personality will mirror their parent´s addictive behaviour and personality. 

Living in this environment is a heavy load that entails huge psychological, emotional and sometimes, physical consequences. It generates feelings such as angriness, pain, frustration, embarrassment and impotence, among others. It affects the child’s self-esteem and the way she is perceived by others.  It is often hard for them to relax and simply have fun.

Another problem paradependants undergo is financial worries.  They cannot prevent their parents from misusing money. The child lives constantly on alert, worried about their parent’s whereabouts. They can also experience obsessive rescuing behaviours in order to “save” them or make them stop. Children adapt to their family´s problems, supposing it´s normal, because is the only thing they know. 

As adults, they may have problems establishing intimate relationships.  Adults of addicted parents can be mistrustful, too hard on themselves, and have anxiety problems or control issues. 

At times, parents with addiction problems can become a generational issue. This can generate an environment of emotional instability and constant ambiguous messages related to substances consumption. Limits and boundaries can be blurred. Paradependants may abandon their own lives and start living around their parents’ behaviour.

Many times parents believe they can conceal their addiction from their kids. That children don’t realise what’s going on. But children get everything. They just aren’t old enough to put things in perspective and really understand what’s going on and the negative consequences for their future.

Information about children of addicted parents and people is increasing every day. They can be people that we meet daily, and if we are those children, we need to gather all the information we can in order to understand what’s going on and understand ourselves better. Maybe, the suffering we are going through comes from our earlier years and to know this is something we can heal, can be very relieving.